Yisro

Not in the Mood of Your Spouse?

Sometimes the Deepest Romance Can Emerge When You Have a Mountain Over Your Head

by: Rabbi YY Jacobson


A Doctor’s Advice

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. Following her husband’s checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office to speak with her privately. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely deteriorate and die."

“Each morning," instructed the doctor, "fix him a healthy breakfast.  Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.  For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Have the dinner waiting for him on the table, hot, as he arrives home from work. Don't burden him with chores.  Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. No nagging is allowed.  You must also compliment him at least five-six times a day, telling him how brilliant and talented he is. And most importantly, never disagree with him.”

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year," the doctor said, "I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.
The Proposal
There is an enigmatic Talmudic passage explaining a peculiar phrase in this week's portion, Yisro: "They (the Jewish people) stood in the bottom of the (Sinai) mountain [1]."
What is the meaning of the words "in the bottom of the mountain"? The Talmud explains [2]  that the Jews were actually standing inside the mountain. "G-d enveloped them with the mountain as though it was an upturned vat, and He said to them: 'If you accept the Torah, fine; if not, this will be your burial place.'"
The event at Sinai is viewed as the marriage ceremony between G-d and the Jewish people [3]. Imagine a groom, who on the day of his wedding, placed his bride under an elevator and declared: "If you marry me, great; if not, the elevator will come down on your head." How enduring can such a relationship be? Couldn't G-d have found a more "romantic" way to convince the "bride" to marry Him?
What is even more puzzling is the fact that according to the biblical narrative [4], the Jewish people had already expressed their willingness to accept the Torah before this event. Why was it necessary for G-d to coerce them into something they had already agreed upon [5]?
Let us present the explanation offered by one of the greatest spiritual masters of all time, the Baal Shem Tov [6].
Numb Days
There are days when we are emotionally in touch with our inner idealism, spirituality and G-dliness. At such times we are inspired to live deeply and to love deeply.
But then come the days when we feel estranged from our souls. We are emotionally numb, experiencing ourselves merely as self-centered and materialistic creatures seeking to satiate nothing more than our momentary cravings. We are simply not in the mood for our higher, refined aspirations. G-d does not appeal to us. At such times of spiritual alienation, we often succumb to mundane and selfish behavior. Since we feel disconnected, we act as though we are indeed disconnected.
This is a mistake. By G-d forcing the Jewish people to enter into the relationship—even though they had already agreed—He demonstrated to them the truth that their relationship was not based on the fact that they were consciously passionate about it. Instead, the relationship was inherent and essential to their very chemistry [7]. Man is an innately sacred and Divine creature. "Even when you are not in the mood of me," G-d was intimating, "our relationship is as strong as ever. Act on it."
Yet you may still think, "Fine, I will behave, but let's face it, the relationship is not happening. It is all but dead."
So G-d says “no.” By placing the mountain on their heads at the moment of Revelation, during the profoundest moment of intimacy between G-d and his people, G-d was saying that a relationship inspired by the knowledge that this is the truth, though you may not feel it, is a genuine and authentic relationship. It is a real union. Though there is no passion, when you behave in a moral and sacred fashion knowing that this is who you really are, it is a true bond.
Rocky Moments
In the Jewish tradition, the marriage of each man and woman reflects the cosmic marriage between G-d and His people [8]. There are the days when we feel truly grateful for our spouses and experience deep love towards them. At such times we crave to give of ourselves to our spouses and make their lives happier.
But at other times we become cold and apathetic. We just want to do "our own thing" and simply are not in the mood of the relationship.
In the majority of cases, it would be a sad error to act upon those feelings of detachment. For the Kabbalah teaches [9] that a wife and husband are essentially "two halves of a single soul." At their core, they are one. Thus, when a couple enters into marriage, it needs to recall what G-d reminded us on the day of His marriage: Whether we are in the mood of each other or not, we are married and we are one. 
Such a commitment could save many marriages when they encounter rocky times. After all, it saved the marriage between G-d and the Jews.

[1]Exodus 19:17.
[2]Shabbos 88a.
[3]See, for example, Mishnah Taanis 26b; Shemos Rabah end of section 15.
[4]Exodus 24:7.
[5]This question is raised among many of the Talmudic commentators. See Tosfos, Eitz Yosef, Pnei Yehoshua, Shabbos Shel Mi and BenYehoyada to Talmud Shabbos ibid. Midrash Tanchumah Noach section 3. Daas Zekeinim Mibbalei Hatosafos on Exodus 19:17. Maharal Tiferes Yisroel ch. 32, Gur Aryeh on Exodus ibid. and Or Chodash p. 45. Sources noted in Pardas Yosef to Exodus ibid.
[6]1698-1760. This idea was transcribed by his famed disciple, Rabbi Yaakov Yosef of Pulnah (Ben Poras Yosef Parshas Vayeishev. Cf. Nesiv Metzvosecah Nesiv HaTorah 1:28). For alternative explanations see referenced noted in previous footnote as well as in Torah Or Megilas Esther p. 96c; 118c.
[7]Cf. Tanya chapters 14, 18-19, 25, 28, 41, 44.
[8]See commentaries to Song of Songs. Maimonides' Laws of Teshuvah ch.  10.
[9]Zohar Vayikra p. 7b.

Comments

very deep

A very profound idea. Sometimes even when you forces into something it is real for you, since it constitutes who you really are.

joe
2/1/2010 12:35 PM

Sinai/coersion?

I believe that there is a huge misunderstanding of the intention behind the act of holding the mountain above the Israelites at the moment of their reaffirming their pledge.
We must look at what the Torah's fundamental purpose is. Basically, we are exhorted to become mensches individually, and to be a mamleches Kohanim in the aggregate. In order to accomplish that we have to own our words and our promises.
For a man who has attained, his words bind him, and the promises he makes, extreme as it may sound, have the value of his life being on the line. He is his word.
The mountain being suspended
over the collective is a metaphor for the weight that we should give our words.
There is a degree of attainment available, where the person who makes a promise, would sooner die than break his word. This is a rare madrega to achieve, but when you are on the path, you take your words very seriously.
As was pointed out the promise had already been made,
but the importance of that promise (or any other promise for that matter) had to be driven home.
It may be of import to state
that the above principle is not exclusive to vows taken
between man and God. It is pervasive in the life of someone with integrity (not to be confused with honesty),
who uses words sparingly, lest unintended effects are created.

alex
2/1/2010 2:08 PM

then...galut

G-d sent us on a long journey to Galut and has brought us (at least some of us lucky ones) bach to His PLACE...can we separate from uor spouses, go far and still count on each other in a true way ???

Dvorah
2/1/2010 3:38 PM

the mount

my jewish study bible says on the foot of the mountain not in the mountain. where did you get in the mountain?

yishayahu
2/1/2010 5:00 PM

to Yishayahu

the most literal translation of the words is: they stood in the bottom of the mountain.

Isaac
2/1/2010 5:06 PM

To Yishayahu

Expounding a bit on Isaac's comment. It should have said "AT the foot of the mountain..." certainly not IN the mountain as the Hebrew words translate. Therefore, the allusion to actually standing within the mountain.

Elki
2/1/2010 8:10 PM

thanks

Another excelent article, congratulations.

avraham
2/2/2010 10:31 AM
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