How to Deal with Your Destructive Emotions
Gone Are the Days When ‘Closure’ Was Used For Zippers
Dedicated by David and Eda Schottenstein
in the loving memory of Rabbi Gavriel Noach and Rivki Holtzberg and all of the Mumbai Kedoshim
And in the loving memory of a young soul Alta Shula Swerdlov
daughter of Rabbi Yossi and Hindel Swerdlov
Rage Therapy
Finally, the bartender issued an ultimatum. The man could not come back to the bar unless he underwent therapy for a full year. The man consented and no longer showed up at the bar.
After the year passed, the man showed up at the bar one evening. Lo and behold he took a glass and threw it right at the bartender.
“What’s going on?!” the bartender thundered.
“Well, as you have suggested, I went to therapy,” the man replied, “and now I am not embarrassed anymore.”
Constipation No More
Welcome to the new age of anxiety where "bad habits have been turned into diseases, foibles are afflictions and sins are syndromes," as explained by Jon Winokur in his "Encyclopedia Neurotica," an irreverent guide to the world of neuroses and phobias. In it, Winokur takes issue with the psychobabble that has turned juvenile delinquents into kids suffering from "conduct disorder" and gluttons into "compulsive over-eaters."
A psychoanalyst once remarked that during the first 20 years of his career in the 50’s and 60’s, every patient was convinced that he or she loved his or her parents. “It took me five years to demonstrate to them that buried beneath the love and tenderness lay some unresolved resentment.”
During the second 20 year period of his work, during the 70’s and 80’s, the psychoanalyst observed the reversal of this. Most patients now came in to his office swearing that they hated their parents vehemently, that their fathers were careless beasts and their mothers’ dysfunctional nuts. “It took me five years to demonstrate to them that beneath the hate and anger lurked a little child that craved to love its mom and dad.”
In this climate, affecting all of us to one degree or another, it is worthwhile to lend an ear to a simple verse transcribed more than three thousand years ago in the Hebrew Bible, in this week’s portion, Mishpatim.
Your Enemy’s Donkey
The language seems superfluous. Why was it necessary to discuss the possible thought that you may not wish to help your enemy -- “and you might refrain from helping him?” rather than stating the law succinctly: “If you see the donkey of someone you hate crouching under its burden, you shall surely help him!”
The answer is simple. The Bible is making a point of acknowledging the instinct to refrain from helping ones enemy’s donkey as legitimate and human. It is perfectly normal to feel that you care not to assist the person you loathe, even if his animal is suffering.
Yet notwithstanding this natural emotion, the Bible is calling on us to challenge our instinct and assist our enemy’s donkey regardless. This perfectly human instinct of loathing an enemy, need not dictate our actions.
Acknowledgement Vs. Domination
For one, the Torah does not believe in denying and repressing negative emotions; to make believe that they do not exist. Simultaneous with its insistence that we assist the animal of the one we hate, the Torah makes a special point of mentioning the fact that we may harbor a feeling to desist from extending a hand to the burdened donkey of our enemy. The fact that our emotions are not always in sync with our ideals and values does not reduce us to moral failures.
850 years ago, the great medieval Jewish philosopher Moses Maimonides captured this truth in his code of Jewish law: [2]
“When one person wrongs another, the latter should not suppress his resentment and remain silent… rather he is commanded to let him know [his feelings] and ask him: ‘Why did you do this to me? Why did you wrong me regarding this matter?’… The Torah warns us against hating in our hearts.”
On the other hand, the Bible is informing us that not every emotion is holy. When somebody’s animal is suffering you must extend your hand, notwithstanding your negative emotions toward the owner of the donkey. [3]
One of the problems unique to our age is that for many of us emotions have become the sole barometers that determine right from wrong. We have turned our emotions into deities, worshiping them as though they embodied absolute, timeless truths—a new G-d. To suggest to somebody that they might overlook an emotion, subdue a feeling, disregard a mood is a form of heresy. Our emotions have become gods and we must obey them at all costs, even if this may be detrimental for our relationships, our marriages, our children, and our long-term visions.
In the Biblical ethos, there is a critical distinction that must be made between acknowledging your emotions vs. allowing them to dictate your behavior.
How to Treat Your Inner Children
When your child begins to holler, you must acknowledge his or her predicament, and examine the cause of their outburst. Yet you cannot run to call the ambulance based on the screams of a child alone without examining the situation on your own first. A clear distinction must be made between de-legitimizing your child’s tears, which is cruel, to allowing these tears to dictate your home and life, which would result in chaos.
A similar relationship must exist between the mind and the heart. Emotions, instincts, moods and feelings are ‘children.’ They are cute, spontaneous, vibrant, immature and wild. Sometimes they are on to something very real and serious, other times they exaggerate or distort reality. We ought not to de-legitimize, suppress or deny them. We must be keenly aware of their existence within us. Just like children, we must attempt to educate and refine them. Yet we ought not to worship them and allow them the exclusive right to define our life.
How to Deal with Destructive Emotions
One of your best articles!
great essay
great essay
thanks
Rabbi,
Thanks for this.
David
Emotions (Your Essay)
BS"D
That was a great essay, Rabbi Jacobson. I especially appreciated the line that says, "The fact that our emotions are not always in sync with our ideals and values does not reduce us to moral failures."
I think your point is that we can be honest about what we feel--but what we feel does not necessarily determine how we act. If we are mature adults, WE determine how we behave, based on Torah as a guide. How about that?
Yasher Koach!
Yitzchok from New Haven
BRILLIANT
EXCELLENT!Beautiful piece!!
Emotions=Children
That Emotions are compared to children is enlightening. Seems to me a person of high character(good midos) has derech eretz- at the heart of which is respect for another's feelings.Just read
any Charles Dicken's novel and you will see highlighted the level of a persons character by how they treat children(and women)- with horrific abuse or with respect and tenderness.I think we have evolved for the good.You describe the
downside,'emotion worship'.I celebrate the redemption of Emotions-Not worship, but healthy respect.Better a correctable imbalance on the side of 'Emotion'than G.F. the opposite.Thanks for your brilliant article!
nice
I heard someone give a talk yesterday that i liked, and now i see he took it from this article. Very nice. TY
brilliant
BRILLIANT .
THANK YOU.
FRAN DANIELS (TORONTO
thanks
Dear Rabbi:
Thank you for sending your essay to me. Yocheved Joyce Freedman, Boca Raton, Florida
error
it says mOshpatim instead of mIshpatim.
Very nice article!
Good Article-Changing World Doesn't Help!
Thank you Rabbi for your article. It says a great deal about humanity and how theology and psychology interplay with each other. The unfortunate truth is in our changing world people often are confused about the heart and mind symbolism you discuss, leading to cruel and destructive actions among each other and the world at large. I believe, as we become more techno-savvy in today's age of convenience and entitlement we have a harder time to distinguish between our heart and mind; between forgiveness and hatred. We go with what feels right at the first moment and don't turn back. This in the end determines our ability to relate with others, build/destroy relationships and eventually predict our own outcome in life. I believe we as a human race have a great deal to go in understanding how to forgive, how to rebuild and how to not let the neurosis of life overshadow our abilities. Much of this involves letting go, which is a difficult concept to understand, yet do when as a society we put "expectation" above all else. To teach this lesson one must truly reflect on one's own self which is harder said than done. The lesson of failures and tragedy are great way to reach this point in life.
there is no excuse for bad behavior!
I come from a family of survivors & also freedom fighters...their psyche wasn't the best, but all they had & we are always trying to justify rudeness! I don't except it as an excuse for edicate any more...sorry
Say it as it is
Why would you choose to use secular terms such as Bible over Torah or G-D instead of Hashem when the Hebrew words are much richer than the English translation? I do assume that most people reading your column are familiar with these words and if not then they can probably find all these words in the same dictionary.
Why water it down to kids talk?
To Sue
There are a number of readers who do not understand the Hebrew terms. They Do not know what Hashem means and even the word Torah is unclear to them.