What Do you Do When Your Child Was Abused?
How a Father’s Love Can Heal Trauma
- July 8, 2021
- |
- 28 Tamuz 5781
Rabbi YY Jacobson
1195 views
What Do you Do When Your Child Was Abused?
How a Father’s Love Can Heal Trauma
Rabbi YY Jacobson- July 08, 2021
Vows
The opening of this week’s first portion, Matos, introduces the most comprehensive discussion in the Torah of the laws governing vows (“nedarim.”) What is a vow? It is a means by which a person creates a personal obligation or restriction. A person might make a vow to donate a sum to charity. A person eager to enhance one’s diet might make a vow to eat at least four vegetables and drink eight cups of water each day.
A vow can also take the form of a restriction. A person can vow to refrain from eating ice cream for a specific period. This person is not permitted to eat ice cream for that time; ice cream for this man or woman is no different than pork. They are both foods prohibited for him by the Torah.
The Torah requires strict adherence to vows. One may not violate a vow. Therefore, the Sages discouraged making frivolous vows, because they were concerned that a person may violate them. The best way to assure that a vow is not violated is not to make the vow in the first place. (When one makes a vow, there is a process known as Hataras Nedarim, through which he or she can come to a court of three and undo the vow, by explaining that it was accepted based on an erroneous premise.)[1]
A Father and Husband
But our portion focuses primarily on one specific aspect of the laws governing vows. The Torah explains that the vows of certain individuals are subject to reversal. If one of these individuals makes a vow, this vow can be annulled by another party.
The Torah explains that a father can reverse his young daughter’s vow until she reaches the age of twelve and a half. (Before the age of 11, her vows are meaningless. From the age of 11, they are binding only if the father endorses them.)[2]
Similarly, the Torah says, a husband can cancel certain vows of his wife if it is for her benefit and for the benefit of the marriage. The husband can overturn vows his wife made which are torturous for her (“einu nefesh”); they deprive her of something. For example, your wife makes a vow that she will not eat cheesecake for 30 years; she will not buy shoes for a year; she will not go do her nails. Or vows that affect him and the marriage, for example, she will not go on vacation with him. If the wife makes a vow that affects no person other than herself (she vows to give one million of her own money to charity, or she will take a walk for an hour a day), the husband does not have authority over such vows.
Of course, the young girl or the wife can continue to practice their vows, but they are not bound by them legally. They are free to do as they wish.[3]
These Are the Laws
The Torah concludes the laws with these words:
מטות כ, יז: אֵ֣לֶּה הַֽחֻקִּ֗ים אֲשֶׁ֨ר צִוָּ֤ה יְהֹוָה֙ אֶת־משֶׁ֔ה בֵּ֥ין אִ֖ישׁ לְאִשְׁתּ֑וֹ בֵּין־אָ֣ב לְבִתּ֔וֹ בִּנְעֻרֶ֖יהָ בֵּ֥ית אָבִֽיהָ:
These are the laws which G-d commanded Moses concerning a man and his wife, a father, and his daughter, in her youth, while in her father's house.
Do you notice what is so strange about this summarizing verse? This all G-d has to say about the relationship between a father and a daughter? Between a husband and a wife? That if she makes a vow, her father or husband can free her from it? This seems to be one isolated law in the connection between fathers and daughters and spouses! How often does your 12-year-old daughter make a vow not to eat potato chips ever again? How often does your wife make a vow not to go on vacation? Once in a blue moon. How does this sum up the nature of the relationship?
Today we will explore an insight presented by Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi (1745-1812), the Alter Rebbe, founder of Chabad, in his magnum opus Likkutei Torah on Parshas Matos.[4] It is based on the axiom that each mitzvah in the Torah contains not only a concrete interpretation, but also a deeper, soulful meaning.
The Enigma of Kol Nidrei
To understand this, we must introduce another question, raised in the above discourse of the Alter Rebbe.
It is the most Jewish heart-stirring melody, sending a tremor down our spines each year again. The trepidation, the melancholy, the drama, coupled with the exultation and exhilaration of the high notes, has turned it into the most moving Jewish ballad.
Kol Nidrei…
It is considered the holiest prayer of the year. There are Jews who would not step foot into synagogue all year round, but they will not miss Kol Nidrei night. It is the opening prayer of the entire Yom Kippur, the commencement of the holiest day of the Jewish year.
We would naturally expect that the content of the prayer would match its intense incantation. We would expect that Kol Nidrei – which we recite three times right at the onset of Yom Kippur – would capture the very essence of the day, the nucleus of Judaism, the secret of Jewish existence, and the full depth of the Jewish soul.
Yet when you read the Kol Nidrei text you are astounded to observe it is not a prayer at all. It is a declaration that all the vows that we might make from this Yom Kippur till next should be annulled and deemed invalid so that we will never violate any vow because we have already nullified them before we even made them.
“All vows, self-imposed prohibitions, oaths, consecrations, restrictions, interdictions, or any other expression of vows which I may vow, swear, dedicate, or which I may proscribe for myself or for others, from this Yom Kippur until the next Yom Kippur … We regret them all. All shall be absolved, remitted, canceled, declared null and void, not in force or in effect. Let our vows not be considered vows, let our prohibitions not be considered prohibitions; and let our oaths not be considered oaths.”
Granted. We are nullifying simple promises we might make for the upcoming year: no carbs, no sugar, no caffeine, no red meat; I will not check my text messages when I am talking to my wife; I will start exercising three times a week; I will stop flooding the bathroom when I take a shower. So with Kol Nidrei you come clean even if you make a vow and break it throughout the year, for you already declared on Yom Kippur that the vows are annulled.
Is this the only thing we can think about when we begin Yom Kippur? Is this really the holiest manifesto of Judaism? Do these words deserve such a powerful heart-stirring tune? Should all Jews run to the Synagogue to hear this?[5]
In the above discourse of the Alter Rebbe, he offered an incredible insight.
The Flea in the Jar
Europe used to host flea circuses. How do you train a flea? You put the flea in a large, empty pickle jar. Put the lid on. Shake the jar and tap on the side to stir the fleas up. The stimulus causes them to jump full force. They hit the lid of the jar with tremendous force. Hitting the lid of the jar with such force is painful. After about 30 minutes of this, you can take the lid off the jar and the fleas will not jump out.
They react to the impact of hitting the lid and adapt by jumping with less force and are conditioned to jump just shy of hitting the lid. When you take the lid off and give them the opportunity to use their innate potential again and jump far, they continue to jump just shy of the height of the lid as if it were still on.
Inner Vows
This is the deeper meaning of a “vow” (“neder”). We are not only addressing promises or pledges we make about external objects or people. We are also addressing inner promises we make about ourselves and others: The voices inside of you which keep you captive, denying you the opportunity to actualize your full calling.
In today’s language, we call it trauma, something in my past which causes me to operate from a profoundly restricted space. Consciously or unconsciously, I am terrified to trust, to let go, to love, to bond, to relax, to embrace, to express myself. I am afraid to just be. Like the flea, I am held back not by external circumstances, but by my own beliefs about myself and the world I inhabit.
How many of us live in distress and anxiety due to a deep trauma that sits in our bodies? How many of us remain paralyzed by our inner voices of fear, insecurity, and stress? How many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do something because we failed at it before? Sometimes we are not even aware of how paralyzed we really are, as it turned into our survival skill and seems so normal.
Close your eyes for 40 seconds and ask yourself what are the two greatest impediments you have in your life today? What are the two most powerful forces which are holding you back in life?
Why Warnings Are Ineffective
Let’s say I have a daughter who made these types of “vows”—consciously or unconsciously. She is in a psychological prison. She is captive to her own feelings about herself. Perhaps she has been traumatized by a harsh experience or by many accumulative experiences? What if my daughter was bullied? What if she was molested? What if she was ashamed in public? What if she has a learning disability that was not dealt with appropriately? What if she has an inner voice causing her tremendous anxiety and negative self-image?
How do I help her?
Some parents come to their children and say: Snap out of it. Get your life together. It’s all in your head. Just get over it and live a normal life like your sister.
It sounds great but is often ineffective. Why? Do you think your daughter or son does not want to “snap out” of it? Do you think she is happy being dysfunctional? Do you think she is content being unproductive? Do you think she wants to wake up at 3 PM? Do you think she wants to waste away her life? You think she never thought of the idea of “snapping out of it?” Do you think she is happy being a junkie?
No. She is miserable. But she is stuck. She is traumatized. She is emotionally paralyzed. I scream at her: Snap out of it. But she knows not how. In her mind, she is tied down by cords that do not allow her to go free. All she hears in her parents’ message is this: Someone else in this world who does not understand me. She digs deeper into her isolation and pain.
When a youth has resilience and self-confidence, when their inner sense of self is intact, we can discipline them in a loving way, and see results. But when a child is traumatized, he or she is often in the state of a “neder,” they feel tied down by chains and become emotionally sick. Asking them to “change” is like asking a child with broken legs to run a marathon.
What Is a Father?
So what do we do? Here is what the Alter Rebbe teaches in his discourse presented 224 years ago, in 1797, in a little town in Belarus, Liazhne.
When your daughter makes a vow, representing that she feels trapped, there is one remedy. The Torah tells us that her father must “listen to her vow.” He must understand what is going on inside of her heart; he needs to be attuned to the brokenness of this child.
The term in Hebrew for father, says the Alter Rebbe, is “av,” which means connection, love, and desire.[6] When her father really listens to the trauma underlying the vow, he can help her annul it. How? By being a true father, a loving and connected father.
There is one way to release her from these psychological vows: a father’s love and connection.
When I love you, when I show you that I believe in you, that I want you, I want to connect to you, I want to be with you, I cherish you, I am crazy over you, it shows my daughter that her worth is infinite; that her value is unwavering and absolute. Then she discovers the energy and strength to discover that her dignity is more powerful than her trauma, her soul is deeper than her pain, and her life is larger than her challenges. The trauma does not constitute her core existence. She is more powerful than her wounds.
People want to help themselves. But they need to believe that they can. There is only one way: When we believe in them that they can. When we believe that they are not broken at their core; when we show them how much we love them and cherish them because we do not see them as “lost causes.” When we connect with them deeply and genuinely, it empowers them to be able to view themselves not as lost souls, but as children of G-d, fragments of infinity, mirrors of heaven, ambassadors of the Divine. Then they realize that they are mightier than all the voices and emotions that attempt to cut them down.
Your daughter must be able to feel that she has “wings.” If a bird does now know it has wings, I can scream at it for five years to fly, but it will not start flying, it will only sink into more despondency. I need to show my bird that it has “wings.” How do I do that? By loving it, by demonstrating to it how much value, power, and goodness I see in her (or him), and then when she notices her wings, she will not stop flying and soaring. She will embrace the route toward health and a fulfilling life.
This is, of course, true not only when it comes to serious debilitating trauma, but also to all “vows” we and our loved ones make in our lives; all the limitations that hold us down, and keep us trapped in anger, frustration, envy, animosity, and anxiety. We need a “father” to love us in the deepest and most powerful way. What that does for us is that it opens us up to the horizons of our true self; it expands our perspectives of who we are and what we are capable of. It is that type of love and trust that empowers us to muster the courage and embark on the journey toward wholesomeness.
Yom Kippur
That is why the first thing we do on Yom Kippur is we say Kol Nidrei. On Yom Kippur, says the Alter Rebbe, every Jewish soul can feel the “ahava rabah,” the infinite love that G-d has to her. When I feel that love of my father in heaven, then I can obliterate all my vows. All my promises—fears, addictions, limitations, constrictions, which have tied me down and will tie me down in the future year – are null and non-existent.
I know that after Yom Kippur I may return to the daily grind and forget. I may forget my inner music, my freedom, my divine core, my transcendence, my spiritual essence, and its ability to truly live a meaningful and free life. So right now on Yom Kippur I am declaring that all of the vows which I will tie myself down by during the next year – are naught. I am free. I am Divine.
This is the essence of Yom Kippur and one of the most essential ideas of Judaism: Every individual was created in the Divine Image, each with a pure soul, and no matter what happens in one’s lifetime, the sacred innocence remains intact. Perhaps cloaked, obscured, even to the point of total concealment, but still alive and waiting. Waiting like a pilot flame to be fanned and brought alive.
For this, children need a father to believe in them. Wives need husbands to give them this support. And all of us need to know that we have a “Father,” who loves us more than we will ever imagine.
(Of course, the term “father” (av) here is the expression employed for a person who can give the child infinite and unconditional love. This includes a father, a mother, and anyone else who can embody this type of connection and affection.)
For the Love
I will share with you the last words I heard from my Rebbe just a few hours before his stroke.
It was Sunday, Feb. 1, 1992, 26 Adar 1, 5752.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, stood for approximately seven hours at his center in “770,” in Brooklyn, N.Y., distributing dollars, counsel and blessings to thousands of men, women and children who flocked from near and far to visit the Rebbe. I was one of many who went to receive a dollar from the Rebbe that Sunday, the last time he would distribute dollars.
It was approx. 6:45 p.m. The line of people was finally reaching its end. Right in front of me stood a 6-year-old girl, seemingly from a secular Jewish family. As the Rebbe gave her a dollar to give to charity and a blessing, she looked him in the eyes and said, "I love you."
The Rebbe's secretaries standing nearby were taken aback, but the Rebbe's face lit up, and his radiant smile filled the entire room with grace. I will never forget the moment: The Rebbe, 89 years old, exhausted from standing, listening, and speaking for so many hours, was glowing.
As the girl was about to move on, the Rebbe gave her a second dollar, looked into her eyes, and said, "This is for the love."
Twenty-four hours later, on Monday, March 2 (the 27th of Adar 1), while standing in prayer at the resting place of his father-in-law, the Rebbe suffered a stroke, which left him partially paralyzed and unable to speak. He passed two years later, on June 12, 1994 (3 Tamuz, 5754).
In my mind and heart, I can still hear the Rebbe's last words: "This is for the love."
This is not about a love to allow children to become irresponsible people, without the vital understanding of the need for discipline, structure, and accountability. On the contrary, this is the love that can help each of them and each of us to “annul” our vows, actualizing our full potential, to live a life filled with truth, meaning, structure, happiness, and ultimate purpose.
___________________
[1] See Rambam Hilchos Nedarim for all the details.
[2] From the age of 12, they are binding; from the age of 11, they are binding only if we examine her and realize that the vows were undertaken with full awareness. Once she hits 12 and a half, she is on her own. She is responsible for her own vows. Also, once she is married, at any age, her father is not responsible for her vows. Her husband takes over the right, but only for certain types of vowes (as the essay goes on to explain.) When she is betrothed, after marriage but before the chuppah, you need both the father and the husband to annul the vow.
[3] Our Parsha delineates various parameters of this authority. For example, the father or husband can only overturn a vow by acting on the same day that he becomes aware of the vow. Another restriction on this authority is that a father can only nullify the vow of a daughter that has not completely reached her majority. However, once the daughter is a complete adult, the father’s authority lapses.
[4] Likkutei Torah Matos 85a
[5] See Tur Hilchos Yom Hakipurim and commentaries there for the halachik reasons and aspects of Kol Nidrei.
[6] Av from the word “avah,” desire, and “ahavah,” love.
- Comment
Class Summary:
“These are the laws which G-d commanded Moses concerning a man and his wife, a father and his daughter, in her youth, while in her father's house.” Do you notice what is so strange about this summarizing verse? This is all G-d has to say about the relationship between a father and a daughter? Between a husband and a wife? That if she makes a vow, her father or husband can free her from it? How often does your 12-year-old daughter make a vow not to eat ice cream?
Today we will explore an insight presented by Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi (1745-1812), the Alter Rebbe, in his magnum opus Likkutei Torah on this week’s portion.
To understand this we must introduce another question, raised in the above discourse of the Alter Rebbe. The holiest Jewish prayer is Kol Nidrei. There are Jews who would not step foot into synagogue all year round; but they will not miss Kol Nidrei night.
We would naturally expect that Kol Nidrei would capture the very essence of the day, the nucleus of Judaism. Yet when you actually read the Kol Nidrei text you are astounded to observe it is not a prayer at all. It is a declaration that all the vows that we might make from this Yom Kippur till next should be annulled and deemed invalid so that we will never violate any vow because we have already nullified them before we even made them. Isn’t that strange?
The Alter Rebbe offers us an insight that can guide us today on how to deal with each of our children and our spouses, especially those who endured enormous pain and trauma.
Dedicated by Irving Klein lezecher nishmas Rivka Ella bas Eliezer Lipman ומשפחתה שנהרגו על קדוש השם
Vows
The opening of this week’s first portion, Matos, introduces the most comprehensive discussion in the Torah of the laws governing vows (“nedarim.”) What is a vow? It is a means by which a person creates a personal obligation or restriction. A person might make a vow to donate a sum to charity. A person eager to enhance one’s diet might make a vow to eat at least four vegetables and drink eight cups of water each day.
A vow can also take the form of a restriction. A person can vow to refrain from eating ice cream for a specific period. This person is not permitted to eat ice cream for that time; ice cream for this man or woman is no different than pork. They are both foods prohibited for him by the Torah.
The Torah requires strict adherence to vows. One may not violate a vow. Therefore, the Sages discouraged making frivolous vows, because they were concerned that a person may violate them. The best way to assure that a vow is not violated is not to make the vow in the first place. (When one makes a vow, there is a process known as Hataras Nedarim, through which he or she can come to a court of three and undo the vow, by explaining that it was accepted based on an erroneous premise.)[1]
A Father and Husband
But our portion focuses primarily on one specific aspect of the laws governing vows. The Torah explains that the vows of certain individuals are subject to reversal. If one of these individuals makes a vow, this vow can be annulled by another party.
The Torah explains that a father can reverse his young daughter’s vow until she reaches the age of twelve and a half. (Before the age of 11, her vows are meaningless. From the age of 11, they are binding only if the father endorses them.)[2]
Similarly, the Torah says, a husband can cancel certain vows of his wife if it is for her benefit and for the benefit of the marriage. The husband can overturn vows his wife made which are torturous for her (“einu nefesh”); they deprive her of something. For example, your wife makes a vow that she will not eat cheesecake for 30 years; she will not buy shoes for a year; she will not go do her nails. Or vows that affect him and the marriage, for example, she will not go on vacation with him. If the wife makes a vow that affects no person other than herself (she vows to give one million of her own money to charity, or she will take a walk for an hour a day), the husband does not have authority over such vows.
Of course, the young girl or the wife can continue to practice their vows, but they are not bound by them legally. They are free to do as they wish.[3]
These Are the Laws
The Torah concludes the laws with these words:
מטות כ, יז: אֵ֣לֶּה הַֽחֻקִּ֗ים אֲשֶׁ֨ר צִוָּ֤ה יְהֹוָה֙ אֶת־משֶׁ֔ה בֵּ֥ין אִ֖ישׁ לְאִשְׁתּ֑וֹ בֵּין־אָ֣ב לְבִתּ֔וֹ בִּנְעֻרֶ֖יהָ בֵּ֥ית אָבִֽיהָ:
These are the laws which G-d commanded Moses concerning a man and his wife, a father, and his daughter, in her youth, while in her father's house.
Do you notice what is so strange about this summarizing verse? This all G-d has to say about the relationship between a father and a daughter? Between a husband and a wife? That if she makes a vow, her father or husband can free her from it? This seems to be one isolated law in the connection between fathers and daughters and spouses! How often does your 12-year-old daughter make a vow not to eat potato chips ever again? How often does your wife make a vow not to go on vacation? Once in a blue moon. How does this sum up the nature of the relationship?
Today we will explore an insight presented by Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi (1745-1812), the Alter Rebbe, founder of Chabad, in his magnum opus Likkutei Torah on Parshas Matos.[4] It is based on the axiom that each mitzvah in the Torah contains not only a concrete interpretation, but also a deeper, soulful meaning.
The Enigma of Kol Nidrei
To understand this, we must introduce another question, raised in the above discourse of the Alter Rebbe.
It is the most Jewish heart-stirring melody, sending a tremor down our spines each year again. The trepidation, the melancholy, the drama, coupled with the exultation and exhilaration of the high notes, has turned it into the most moving Jewish ballad.
Kol Nidrei…
It is considered the holiest prayer of the year. There are Jews who would not step foot into synagogue all year round, but they will not miss Kol Nidrei night. It is the opening prayer of the entire Yom Kippur, the commencement of the holiest day of the Jewish year.
We would naturally expect that the content of the prayer would match its intense incantation. We would expect that Kol Nidrei – which we recite three times right at the onset of Yom Kippur – would capture the very essence of the day, the nucleus of Judaism, the secret of Jewish existence, and the full depth of the Jewish soul.
Yet when you read the Kol Nidrei text you are astounded to observe it is not a prayer at all. It is a declaration that all the vows that we might make from this Yom Kippur till next should be annulled and deemed invalid so that we will never violate any vow because we have already nullified them before we even made them.
“All vows, self-imposed prohibitions, oaths, consecrations, restrictions, interdictions, or any other expression of vows which I may vow, swear, dedicate, or which I may proscribe for myself or for others, from this Yom Kippur until the next Yom Kippur … We regret them all. All shall be absolved, remitted, canceled, declared null and void, not in force or in effect. Let our vows not be considered vows, let our prohibitions not be considered prohibitions; and let our oaths not be considered oaths.”
Granted. We are nullifying simple promises we might make for the upcoming year: no carbs, no sugar, no caffeine, no red meat; I will not check my text messages when I am talking to my wife; I will start exercising three times a week; I will stop flooding the bathroom when I take a shower. So with Kol Nidrei you come clean even if you make a vow and break it throughout the year, for you already declared on Yom Kippur that the vows are annulled.
Is this the only thing we can think about when we begin Yom Kippur? Is this really the holiest manifesto of Judaism? Do these words deserve such a powerful heart-stirring tune? Should all Jews run to the Synagogue to hear this?[5]
In the above discourse of the Alter Rebbe, he offered an incredible insight.
The Flea in the Jar
Europe used to host flea circuses. How do you train a flea? You put the flea in a large, empty pickle jar. Put the lid on. Shake the jar and tap on the side to stir the fleas up. The stimulus causes them to jump full force. They hit the lid of the jar with tremendous force. Hitting the lid of the jar with such force is painful. After about 30 minutes of this, you can take the lid off the jar and the fleas will not jump out.
They react to the impact of hitting the lid and adapt by jumping with less force and are conditioned to jump just shy of hitting the lid. When you take the lid off and give them the opportunity to use their innate potential again and jump far, they continue to jump just shy of the height of the lid as if it were still on.
Inner Vows
This is the deeper meaning of a “vow” (“neder”). We are not only addressing promises or pledges we make about external objects or people. We are also addressing inner promises we make about ourselves and others: The voices inside of you which keep you captive, denying you the opportunity to actualize your full calling.
In today’s language, we call it trauma, something in my past which causes me to operate from a profoundly restricted space. Consciously or unconsciously, I am terrified to trust, to let go, to love, to bond, to relax, to embrace, to express myself. I am afraid to just be. Like the flea, I am held back not by external circumstances, but by my own beliefs about myself and the world I inhabit.
How many of us live in distress and anxiety due to a deep trauma that sits in our bodies? How many of us remain paralyzed by our inner voices of fear, insecurity, and stress? How many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do something because we failed at it before? Sometimes we are not even aware of how paralyzed we really are, as it turned into our survival skill and seems so normal.
Close your eyes for 40 seconds and ask yourself what are the two greatest impediments you have in your life today? What are the two most powerful forces which are holding you back in life?
Why Warnings Are Ineffective
Let’s say I have a daughter who made these types of “vows”—consciously or unconsciously. She is in a psychological prison. She is captive to her own feelings about herself. Perhaps she has been traumatized by a harsh experience or by many accumulative experiences? What if my daughter was bullied? What if she was molested? What if she was ashamed in public? What if she has a learning disability that was not dealt with appropriately? What if she has an inner voice causing her tremendous anxiety and negative self-image?
How do I help her?
Some parents come to their children and say: Snap out of it. Get your life together. It’s all in your head. Just get over it and live a normal life like your sister.
It sounds great but is often ineffective. Why? Do you think your daughter or son does not want to “snap out” of it? Do you think she is happy being dysfunctional? Do you think she is content being unproductive? Do you think she wants to wake up at 3 PM? Do you think she wants to waste away her life? You think she never thought of the idea of “snapping out of it?” Do you think she is happy being a junkie?
No. She is miserable. But she is stuck. She is traumatized. She is emotionally paralyzed. I scream at her: Snap out of it. But she knows not how. In her mind, she is tied down by cords that do not allow her to go free. All she hears in her parents’ message is this: Someone else in this world who does not understand me. She digs deeper into her isolation and pain.
When a youth has resilience and self-confidence, when their inner sense of self is intact, we can discipline them in a loving way, and see results. But when a child is traumatized, he or she is often in the state of a “neder,” they feel tied down by chains and become emotionally sick. Asking them to “change” is like asking a child with broken legs to run a marathon.
What Is a Father?
So what do we do? Here is what the Alter Rebbe teaches in his discourse presented 224 years ago, in 1797, in a little town in Belarus, Liazhne.
When your daughter makes a vow, representing that she feels trapped, there is one remedy. The Torah tells us that her father must “listen to her vow.” He must understand what is going on inside of her heart; he needs to be attuned to the brokenness of this child.
The term in Hebrew for father, says the Alter Rebbe, is “av,” which means connection, love, and desire.[6] When her father really listens to the trauma underlying the vow, he can help her annul it. How? By being a true father, a loving and connected father.
There is one way to release her from these psychological vows: a father’s love and connection.
When I love you, when I show you that I believe in you, that I want you, I want to connect to you, I want to be with you, I cherish you, I am crazy over you, it shows my daughter that her worth is infinite; that her value is unwavering and absolute. Then she discovers the energy and strength to discover that her dignity is more powerful than her trauma, her soul is deeper than her pain, and her life is larger than her challenges. The trauma does not constitute her core existence. She is more powerful than her wounds.
People want to help themselves. But they need to believe that they can. There is only one way: When we believe in them that they can. When we believe that they are not broken at their core; when we show them how much we love them and cherish them because we do not see them as “lost causes.” When we connect with them deeply and genuinely, it empowers them to be able to view themselves not as lost souls, but as children of G-d, fragments of infinity, mirrors of heaven, ambassadors of the Divine. Then they realize that they are mightier than all the voices and emotions that attempt to cut them down.
Your daughter must be able to feel that she has “wings.” If a bird does now know it has wings, I can scream at it for five years to fly, but it will not start flying, it will only sink into more despondency. I need to show my bird that it has “wings.” How do I do that? By loving it, by demonstrating to it how much value, power, and goodness I see in her (or him), and then when she notices her wings, she will not stop flying and soaring. She will embrace the route toward health and a fulfilling life.
This is, of course, true not only when it comes to serious debilitating trauma, but also to all “vows” we and our loved ones make in our lives; all the limitations that hold us down, and keep us trapped in anger, frustration, envy, animosity, and anxiety. We need a “father” to love us in the deepest and most powerful way. What that does for us is that it opens us up to the horizons of our true self; it expands our perspectives of who we are and what we are capable of. It is that type of love and trust that empowers us to muster the courage and embark on the journey toward wholesomeness.
Yom Kippur
That is why the first thing we do on Yom Kippur is we say Kol Nidrei. On Yom Kippur, says the Alter Rebbe, every Jewish soul can feel the “ahava rabah,” the infinite love that G-d has to her. When I feel that love of my father in heaven, then I can obliterate all my vows. All my promises—fears, addictions, limitations, constrictions, which have tied me down and will tie me down in the future year – are null and non-existent.
I know that after Yom Kippur I may return to the daily grind and forget. I may forget my inner music, my freedom, my divine core, my transcendence, my spiritual essence, and its ability to truly live a meaningful and free life. So right now on Yom Kippur I am declaring that all of the vows which I will tie myself down by during the next year – are naught. I am free. I am Divine.
This is the essence of Yom Kippur and one of the most essential ideas of Judaism: Every individual was created in the Divine Image, each with a pure soul, and no matter what happens in one’s lifetime, the sacred innocence remains intact. Perhaps cloaked, obscured, even to the point of total concealment, but still alive and waiting. Waiting like a pilot flame to be fanned and brought alive.
For this, children need a father to believe in them. Wives need husbands to give them this support. And all of us need to know that we have a “Father,” who loves us more than we will ever imagine.
(Of course, the term “father” (av) here is the expression employed for a person who can give the child infinite and unconditional love. This includes a father, a mother, and anyone else who can embody this type of connection and affection.)
For the Love
I will share with you the last words I heard from my Rebbe just a few hours before his stroke.
It was Sunday, Feb. 1, 1992, 26 Adar 1, 5752.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, stood for approximately seven hours at his center in “770,” in Brooklyn, N.Y., distributing dollars, counsel and blessings to thousands of men, women and children who flocked from near and far to visit the Rebbe. I was one of many who went to receive a dollar from the Rebbe that Sunday, the last time he would distribute dollars.
It was approx. 6:45 p.m. The line of people was finally reaching its end. Right in front of me stood a 6-year-old girl, seemingly from a secular Jewish family. As the Rebbe gave her a dollar to give to charity and a blessing, she looked him in the eyes and said, "I love you."
The Rebbe's secretaries standing nearby were taken aback, but the Rebbe's face lit up, and his radiant smile filled the entire room with grace. I will never forget the moment: The Rebbe, 89 years old, exhausted from standing, listening, and speaking for so many hours, was glowing.
As the girl was about to move on, the Rebbe gave her a second dollar, looked into her eyes, and said, "This is for the love."
Twenty-four hours later, on Monday, March 2 (the 27th of Adar 1), while standing in prayer at the resting place of his father-in-law, the Rebbe suffered a stroke, which left him partially paralyzed and unable to speak. He passed two years later, on June 12, 1994 (3 Tamuz, 5754).
In my mind and heart, I can still hear the Rebbe's last words: "This is for the love."
This is not about a love to allow children to become irresponsible people, without the vital understanding of the need for discipline, structure, and accountability. On the contrary, this is the love that can help each of them and each of us to “annul” our vows, actualizing our full potential, to live a life filled with truth, meaning, structure, happiness, and ultimate purpose.
___________________
[1] See Rambam Hilchos Nedarim for all the details.
[2] From the age of 12, they are binding; from the age of 11, they are binding only if we examine her and realize that the vows were undertaken with full awareness. Once she hits 12 and a half, she is on her own. She is responsible for her own vows. Also, once she is married, at any age, her father is not responsible for her vows. Her husband takes over the right, but only for certain types of vowes (as the essay goes on to explain.) When she is betrothed, after marriage but before the chuppah, you need both the father and the husband to annul the vow.
[3] Our Parsha delineates various parameters of this authority. For example, the father or husband can only overturn a vow by acting on the same day that he becomes aware of the vow. Another restriction on this authority is that a father can only nullify the vow of a daughter that has not completely reached her majority. However, once the daughter is a complete adult, the father’s authority lapses.
[4] Likkutei Torah Matos 85a
[5] See Tur Hilchos Yom Hakipurim and commentaries there for the halachik reasons and aspects of Kol Nidrei.
[6] Av from the word “avah,” desire, and “ahavah,” love.
Essay Matos
Rabbi YY Jacobson- July 8, 2021
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- 28 Tamuz 5781
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- 1195 views
What Do you Do When Your Child Was Abused?
How a Father’s Love Can Heal Trauma
Rabbi YY Jacobson- July 08, 2021
Vows
The opening of this week’s first portion, Matos, introduces the most comprehensive discussion in the Torah of the laws governing vows (“nedarim.”) What is a vow? It is a means by which a person creates a personal obligation or restriction. A person might make a vow to donate a sum to charity. A person eager to enhance one’s diet might make a vow to eat at least four vegetables and drink eight cups of water each day.
A vow can also take the form of a restriction. A person can vow to refrain from eating ice cream for a specific period. This person is not permitted to eat ice cream for that time; ice cream for this man or woman is no different than pork. They are both foods prohibited for him by the Torah.
The Torah requires strict adherence to vows. One may not violate a vow. Therefore, the Sages discouraged making frivolous vows, because they were concerned that a person may violate them. The best way to assure that a vow is not violated is not to make the vow in the first place. (When one makes a vow, there is a process known as Hataras Nedarim, through which he or she can come to a court of three and undo the vow, by explaining that it was accepted based on an erroneous premise.)[1]
A Father and Husband
But our portion focuses primarily on one specific aspect of the laws governing vows. The Torah explains that the vows of certain individuals are subject to reversal. If one of these individuals makes a vow, this vow can be annulled by another party.
The Torah explains that a father can reverse his young daughter’s vow until she reaches the age of twelve and a half. (Before the age of 11, her vows are meaningless. From the age of 11, they are binding only if the father endorses them.)[2]
Similarly, the Torah says, a husband can cancel certain vows of his wife if it is for her benefit and for the benefit of the marriage. The husband can overturn vows his wife made which are torturous for her (“einu nefesh”); they deprive her of something. For example, your wife makes a vow that she will not eat cheesecake for 30 years; she will not buy shoes for a year; she will not go do her nails. Or vows that affect him and the marriage, for example, she will not go on vacation with him. If the wife makes a vow that affects no person other than herself (she vows to give one million of her own money to charity, or she will take a walk for an hour a day), the husband does not have authority over such vows.
Of course, the young girl or the wife can continue to practice their vows, but they are not bound by them legally. They are free to do as they wish.[3]
These Are the Laws
The Torah concludes the laws with these words:
מטות כ, יז: אֵ֣לֶּה הַֽחֻקִּ֗ים אֲשֶׁ֨ר צִוָּ֤ה יְהֹוָה֙ אֶת־משֶׁ֔ה בֵּ֥ין אִ֖ישׁ לְאִשְׁתּ֑וֹ בֵּין־אָ֣ב לְבִתּ֔וֹ בִּנְעֻרֶ֖יהָ בֵּ֥ית אָבִֽיהָ:
These are the laws which G-d commanded Moses concerning a man and his wife, a father, and his daughter, in her youth, while in her father's house.
Do you notice what is so strange about this summarizing verse? This all G-d has to say about the relationship between a father and a daughter? Between a husband and a wife? That if she makes a vow, her father or husband can free her from it? This seems to be one isolated law in the connection between fathers and daughters and spouses! How often does your 12-year-old daughter make a vow not to eat potato chips ever again? How often does your wife make a vow not to go on vacation? Once in a blue moon. How does this sum up the nature of the relationship?
Today we will explore an insight presented by Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi (1745-1812), the Alter Rebbe, founder of Chabad, in his magnum opus Likkutei Torah on Parshas Matos.[4] It is based on the axiom that each mitzvah in the Torah contains not only a concrete interpretation, but also a deeper, soulful meaning.
The Enigma of Kol Nidrei
To understand this, we must introduce another question, raised in the above discourse of the Alter Rebbe.
It is the most Jewish heart-stirring melody, sending a tremor down our spines each year again. The trepidation, the melancholy, the drama, coupled with the exultation and exhilaration of the high notes, has turned it into the most moving Jewish ballad.
Kol Nidrei…
It is considered the holiest prayer of the year. There are Jews who would not step foot into synagogue all year round, but they will not miss Kol Nidrei night. It is the opening prayer of the entire Yom Kippur, the commencement of the holiest day of the Jewish year.
We would naturally expect that the content of the prayer would match its intense incantation. We would expect that Kol Nidrei – which we recite three times right at the onset of Yom Kippur – would capture the very essence of the day, the nucleus of Judaism, the secret of Jewish existence, and the full depth of the Jewish soul.
Yet when you read the Kol Nidrei text you are astounded to observe it is not a prayer at all. It is a declaration that all the vows that we might make from this Yom Kippur till next should be annulled and deemed invalid so that we will never violate any vow because we have already nullified them before we even made them.
“All vows, self-imposed prohibitions, oaths, consecrations, restrictions, interdictions, or any other expression of vows which I may vow, swear, dedicate, or which I may proscribe for myself or for others, from this Yom Kippur until the next Yom Kippur … We regret them all. All shall be absolved, remitted, canceled, declared null and void, not in force or in effect. Let our vows not be considered vows, let our prohibitions not be considered prohibitions; and let our oaths not be considered oaths.”
Granted. We are nullifying simple promises we might make for the upcoming year: no carbs, no sugar, no caffeine, no red meat; I will not check my text messages when I am talking to my wife; I will start exercising three times a week; I will stop flooding the bathroom when I take a shower. So with Kol Nidrei you come clean even if you make a vow and break it throughout the year, for you already declared on Yom Kippur that the vows are annulled.
Is this the only thing we can think about when we begin Yom Kippur? Is this really the holiest manifesto of Judaism? Do these words deserve such a powerful heart-stirring tune? Should all Jews run to the Synagogue to hear this?[5]
In the above discourse of the Alter Rebbe, he offered an incredible insight.
The Flea in the Jar
Europe used to host flea circuses. How do you train a flea? You put the flea in a large, empty pickle jar. Put the lid on. Shake the jar and tap on the side to stir the fleas up. The stimulus causes them to jump full force. They hit the lid of the jar with tremendous force. Hitting the lid of the jar with such force is painful. After about 30 minutes of this, you can take the lid off the jar and the fleas will not jump out.
They react to the impact of hitting the lid and adapt by jumping with less force and are conditioned to jump just shy of hitting the lid. When you take the lid off and give them the opportunity to use their innate potential again and jump far, they continue to jump just shy of the height of the lid as if it were still on.
Inner Vows
This is the deeper meaning of a “vow” (“neder”). We are not only addressing promises or pledges we make about external objects or people. We are also addressing inner promises we make about ourselves and others: The voices inside of you which keep you captive, denying you the opportunity to actualize your full calling.
In today’s language, we call it trauma, something in my past which causes me to operate from a profoundly restricted space. Consciously or unconsciously, I am terrified to trust, to let go, to love, to bond, to relax, to embrace, to express myself. I am afraid to just be. Like the flea, I am held back not by external circumstances, but by my own beliefs about myself and the world I inhabit.
How many of us live in distress and anxiety due to a deep trauma that sits in our bodies? How many of us remain paralyzed by our inner voices of fear, insecurity, and stress? How many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do something because we failed at it before? Sometimes we are not even aware of how paralyzed we really are, as it turned into our survival skill and seems so normal.
Close your eyes for 40 seconds and ask yourself what are the two greatest impediments you have in your life today? What are the two most powerful forces which are holding you back in life?
Why Warnings Are Ineffective
Let’s say I have a daughter who made these types of “vows”—consciously or unconsciously. She is in a psychological prison. She is captive to her own feelings about herself. Perhaps she has been traumatized by a harsh experience or by many accumulative experiences? What if my daughter was bullied? What if she was molested? What if she was ashamed in public? What if she has a learning disability that was not dealt with appropriately? What if she has an inner voice causing her tremendous anxiety and negative self-image?
How do I help her?
Some parents come to their children and say: Snap out of it. Get your life together. It’s all in your head. Just get over it and live a normal life like your sister.
It sounds great but is often ineffective. Why? Do you think your daughter or son does not want to “snap out” of it? Do you think she is happy being dysfunctional? Do you think she is content being unproductive? Do you think she wants to wake up at 3 PM? Do you think she wants to waste away her life? You think she never thought of the idea of “snapping out of it?” Do you think she is happy being a junkie?
No. She is miserable. But she is stuck. She is traumatized. She is emotionally paralyzed. I scream at her: Snap out of it. But she knows not how. In her mind, she is tied down by cords that do not allow her to go free. All she hears in her parents’ message is this: Someone else in this world who does not understand me. She digs deeper into her isolation and pain.
When a youth has resilience and self-confidence, when their inner sense of self is intact, we can discipline them in a loving way, and see results. But when a child is traumatized, he or she is often in the state of a “neder,” they feel tied down by chains and become emotionally sick. Asking them to “change” is like asking a child with broken legs to run a marathon.
What Is a Father?
So what do we do? Here is what the Alter Rebbe teaches in his discourse presented 224 years ago, in 1797, in a little town in Belarus, Liazhne.
When your daughter makes a vow, representing that she feels trapped, there is one remedy. The Torah tells us that her father must “listen to her vow.” He must understand what is going on inside of her heart; he needs to be attuned to the brokenness of this child.
The term in Hebrew for father, says the Alter Rebbe, is “av,” which means connection, love, and desire.[6] When her father really listens to the trauma underlying the vow, he can help her annul it. How? By being a true father, a loving and connected father.
There is one way to release her from these psychological vows: a father’s love and connection.
When I love you, when I show you that I believe in you, that I want you, I want to connect to you, I want to be with you, I cherish you, I am crazy over you, it shows my daughter that her worth is infinite; that her value is unwavering and absolute. Then she discovers the energy and strength to discover that her dignity is more powerful than her trauma, her soul is deeper than her pain, and her life is larger than her challenges. The trauma does not constitute her core existence. She is more powerful than her wounds.
People want to help themselves. But they need to believe that they can. There is only one way: When we believe in them that they can. When we believe that they are not broken at their core; when we show them how much we love them and cherish them because we do not see them as “lost causes.” When we connect with them deeply and genuinely, it empowers them to be able to view themselves not as lost souls, but as children of G-d, fragments of infinity, mirrors of heaven, ambassadors of the Divine. Then they realize that they are mightier than all the voices and emotions that attempt to cut them down.
Your daughter must be able to feel that she has “wings.” If a bird does now know it has wings, I can scream at it for five years to fly, but it will not start flying, it will only sink into more despondency. I need to show my bird that it has “wings.” How do I do that? By loving it, by demonstrating to it how much value, power, and goodness I see in her (or him), and then when she notices her wings, she will not stop flying and soaring. She will embrace the route toward health and a fulfilling life.
This is, of course, true not only when it comes to serious debilitating trauma, but also to all “vows” we and our loved ones make in our lives; all the limitations that hold us down, and keep us trapped in anger, frustration, envy, animosity, and anxiety. We need a “father” to love us in the deepest and most powerful way. What that does for us is that it opens us up to the horizons of our true self; it expands our perspectives of who we are and what we are capable of. It is that type of love and trust that empowers us to muster the courage and embark on the journey toward wholesomeness.
Yom Kippur
That is why the first thing we do on Yom Kippur is we say Kol Nidrei. On Yom Kippur, says the Alter Rebbe, every Jewish soul can feel the “ahava rabah,” the infinite love that G-d has to her. When I feel that love of my father in heaven, then I can obliterate all my vows. All my promises—fears, addictions, limitations, constrictions, which have tied me down and will tie me down in the future year – are null and non-existent.
I know that after Yom Kippur I may return to the daily grind and forget. I may forget my inner music, my freedom, my divine core, my transcendence, my spiritual essence, and its ability to truly live a meaningful and free life. So right now on Yom Kippur I am declaring that all of the vows which I will tie myself down by during the next year – are naught. I am free. I am Divine.
This is the essence of Yom Kippur and one of the most essential ideas of Judaism: Every individual was created in the Divine Image, each with a pure soul, and no matter what happens in one’s lifetime, the sacred innocence remains intact. Perhaps cloaked, obscured, even to the point of total concealment, but still alive and waiting. Waiting like a pilot flame to be fanned and brought alive.
For this, children need a father to believe in them. Wives need husbands to give them this support. And all of us need to know that we have a “Father,” who loves us more than we will ever imagine.
(Of course, the term “father” (av) here is the expression employed for a person who can give the child infinite and unconditional love. This includes a father, a mother, and anyone else who can embody this type of connection and affection.)
For the Love
I will share with you the last words I heard from my Rebbe just a few hours before his stroke.
It was Sunday, Feb. 1, 1992, 26 Adar 1, 5752.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, stood for approximately seven hours at his center in “770,” in Brooklyn, N.Y., distributing dollars, counsel and blessings to thousands of men, women and children who flocked from near and far to visit the Rebbe. I was one of many who went to receive a dollar from the Rebbe that Sunday, the last time he would distribute dollars.
It was approx. 6:45 p.m. The line of people was finally reaching its end. Right in front of me stood a 6-year-old girl, seemingly from a secular Jewish family. As the Rebbe gave her a dollar to give to charity and a blessing, she looked him in the eyes and said, "I love you."
The Rebbe's secretaries standing nearby were taken aback, but the Rebbe's face lit up, and his radiant smile filled the entire room with grace. I will never forget the moment: The Rebbe, 89 years old, exhausted from standing, listening, and speaking for so many hours, was glowing.
As the girl was about to move on, the Rebbe gave her a second dollar, looked into her eyes, and said, "This is for the love."
Twenty-four hours later, on Monday, March 2 (the 27th of Adar 1), while standing in prayer at the resting place of his father-in-law, the Rebbe suffered a stroke, which left him partially paralyzed and unable to speak. He passed two years later, on June 12, 1994 (3 Tamuz, 5754).
In my mind and heart, I can still hear the Rebbe's last words: "This is for the love."
This is not about a love to allow children to become irresponsible people, without the vital understanding of the need for discipline, structure, and accountability. On the contrary, this is the love that can help each of them and each of us to “annul” our vows, actualizing our full potential, to live a life filled with truth, meaning, structure, happiness, and ultimate purpose.
___________________
[1] See Rambam Hilchos Nedarim for all the details.
[2] From the age of 12, they are binding; from the age of 11, they are binding only if we examine her and realize that the vows were undertaken with full awareness. Once she hits 12 and a half, she is on her own. She is responsible for her own vows. Also, once she is married, at any age, her father is not responsible for her vows. Her husband takes over the right, but only for certain types of vowes (as the essay goes on to explain.) When she is betrothed, after marriage but before the chuppah, you need both the father and the husband to annul the vow.
[3] Our Parsha delineates various parameters of this authority. For example, the father or husband can only overturn a vow by acting on the same day that he becomes aware of the vow. Another restriction on this authority is that a father can only nullify the vow of a daughter that has not completely reached her majority. However, once the daughter is a complete adult, the father’s authority lapses.
[4] Likkutei Torah Matos 85a
[5] See Tur Hilchos Yom Hakipurim and commentaries there for the halachik reasons and aspects of Kol Nidrei.
[6] Av from the word “avah,” desire, and “ahavah,” love.
- Comment
Dedicated by Irving Klein lezecher nishmas Rivka Ella bas Eliezer Lipman ומשפחתה שנהרגו על קדוש השם
Class Summary:
“These are the laws which G-d commanded Moses concerning a man and his wife, a father and his daughter, in her youth, while in her father's house.” Do you notice what is so strange about this summarizing verse? This is all G-d has to say about the relationship between a father and a daughter? Between a husband and a wife? That if she makes a vow, her father or husband can free her from it? How often does your 12-year-old daughter make a vow not to eat ice cream?
Today we will explore an insight presented by Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi (1745-1812), the Alter Rebbe, in his magnum opus Likkutei Torah on this week’s portion.
To understand this we must introduce another question, raised in the above discourse of the Alter Rebbe. The holiest Jewish prayer is Kol Nidrei. There are Jews who would not step foot into synagogue all year round; but they will not miss Kol Nidrei night.
We would naturally expect that Kol Nidrei would capture the very essence of the day, the nucleus of Judaism. Yet when you actually read the Kol Nidrei text you are astounded to observe it is not a prayer at all. It is a declaration that all the vows that we might make from this Yom Kippur till next should be annulled and deemed invalid so that we will never violate any vow because we have already nullified them before we even made them. Isn’t that strange?
The Alter Rebbe offers us an insight that can guide us today on how to deal with each of our children and our spouses, especially those who endured enormous pain and trauma.
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Anonymous -2 years ago
Kvod HaRav Jacobson, שליט״א
Just like all your Shiurim and essays, you have again touched our inner souls with your incomparable gift and genius of finding meaning and deep insights in our Holy Torah !
Thank you so much for enlightening us every day with your uplifting messages and inspiration.
J. Arzouan
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Rivka -2 years ago
I was touched to tears.
This really resonates within me, as I have been gifted with yesurim for many years.
We ALL need to remember to feel Hashem's love. I always feel Him with me.
This beautiful essay, made my heart soar!
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Anonymous -2 years ago
Thank you Rivka for this beautiful and inspiring feedback, and thanks to all those who shared their feedback on this page -- it means so much. Your words are so powerful and meaningful. May we all experience the love and serve as channels of this love to our loved ones and all we encounter.
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Anonymous -2 years ago
What a magnificent insight which makes this lesson relatable to each of us at any level.
Who can say that they don't feel somewhat tied?
Many Thanks
RC
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Anonymous -2 years ago
Nedarim 72b
Nedarim 72b Mishna: מתני' דרך תלמידי חכמים עד שלא היתה בתו יוצאה מאצלו אומר לה כל נדרים שנדרת בתוך ביתי הרי הן מופרין
The practice of Torah scholars is to ensure that a woman about to be married should not be encumbered by any vows. A father, before his daughter would leave him through marriage, would say to her: All vows that you vowed in my house are hereby nullified.
And similarly, the husband, before she would enter his jurisdiction, i.e., while they were still betrothed, would say to her: All vows that you vowed before you entered my jurisdiction are hereby nullified
Ran Nedarim 72b
אורחיה דצורבא מרבנן לאהדורי. דרכו של ת"ח לחזר עליה ולומר לה כל נדרים שנדרת הרי הן מופרים כדי להכניסה בדברים שמתוך כך היא נותנת אל לבה ואומרת נדר פלוני נדרתי והוא מפר
It is the way of Chachamim to strive [to annul her vows] and tell her "all vows that you vowed are annulled", in order to bring her to discuss this
Amidst this, she will put to her heart and say "I vowed this vow", and he annuls it
-----
Based on the Alter Rebbes vort we can explain that the father must understand what is going on inside of her heart; he needs to be attuned to the brokenness of this child. How does he accomplish showing this love? A Talmid Chachamim דרכו של ת"ח לחזר עליה - always being invloved in her life by showing how you are interested in her-being aware of her challenges and validating her feelings. Showing her the importance in what she does and bringing out her greatness. Then כדי להכניסה בדברים שמתוך כך היא נותנת אל לבה ואומרת נדר פלוני נדרתי והוא מפר - when she feels that love she will open up, which will lead to conversation, and then she can be shown how to face the difficulties and be able to overcome them.
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Aviva -2 years ago
Thank you Rabbi
Thank you for your guidance and your love.
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