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The Life-Long Effects of Child Abuse

If not dealt with, molestation can ruin marriages, and affect one's functioning -- Lecture 1 of 6

13 min

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If not dealt with, molestation can ruin marriages, and affect one's functioning -- Lecture 1 of 6

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  • Anonymous -1 year ago

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  • FI

    from Israel -13 years ago

    parents supporting children

    When I became aware that my child of 12yrs had been molested by the father of her friend ( the situation was so destructive at that point that her friend actually brought her to the father for these repeated contacts as well as other girls) I immediately went to our community Rabbi to get permission to go to the police. He did all that he could to dissuade me, citing how this could ruin his marriage, destroy the chances of shidduchim for his children, and cause a chilul Hashem. The point that could not let me sleep at night was that if I did not report this and he would then know he was being protected he would feel to harm other children and it would then be my fault!
    As the Rav had not forbidden me (and he himself refused to undertake any action except to talk to the man) I did go to the police. This involved an investigation of my daughter as well, which was done as discreetly as possible, but I don't need to explain how my guts were being torn out.
    The man was arrested, his marriage was destroyed and I certainly became the object of both castigation and praise. Realize as well that I was taking into my hands the decision that what had been done (or more correctly assumed had been done) to my daughter became public knowledge and might affect her shidduch as well.
    This is obviously a tremendous responsibility for any parent, but this is a small part of what parents of abuse children must face, and face it quickly, trying to assess what the future consequences might bein light of the censure you might face from social workers, police and any other legal authorities if you hide this illegal fact too long.
    Twenty years down the road I can tell you this is absolutely the right and moral thing to do: report the evildoer to the police. This man was given extensive psychological counseling (he was also a Holocaust survivor and could have been abused himself). He was able to come and live in our community again, and not only apologized to me but thanked me for saving his life and neshama from the evil compulsions that held him in sway. His children all married, and I am friends with his ex-wife as well (what torture she must have undergone all the years).
    Perhaps the most important issue I leave for last. My daughter as she grew up has always felt that even if there is evil in the world there will be people courageous enough to stand against it among them her mother and father. She says she has no scars and was able to establish a normal marriage because we stood up for her, and showed her that Torah values must be fought for.
    I must qualify that she was not hurt physically or beaten, but certainly, her trust in religious men with peyos and long white beards was challenged.
    I hope no one will ever have to face this but chazak chazak venitchazek!

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    • S

      Sinthia -7 years ago

      Thank you for being so brave. Sending you a giant hug for your hard and difficult decision. You absolutely made the right decision.

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    • Anonymous -3 years ago

      I wish someone had done that for me. 

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      • Anonymous -2 years ago

        Anonymous - I am so sorry.

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  • J

    judah -13 years ago

    relevant resources
    Rav Hershel Schachter: Should I Call the Police? Clarifying the Issurim of Mesira and Chilul Hashem - http://www.torahweb.org/aud...

    Rav Hershel Schachter: Regarding Mesirah - http://www.torahweb.org/tor...

    "Talking to Your Children About Intimacy: A Guide for Orthodox Jewish parents" - http://www.torahparenting.com/

    "...must reading for responsible Jewish parents."
    -Rav Dr. Abraham J. Twerski (you can read his complete haskama here: http://www.torahparenting.c... )

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  • A

    Avi -13 years ago

    false allegations
    I'm sorry to say that several people I know in the frum Jewish community have been falsely accused of being abusers. They had to suffer the stigma and pain of such a label until courts vindicated them. Such false allegations often come during divorce proceedings. I think we as a community need to be aware.

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  • MED

    maria e dara -13 years ago

    maria almeida macambira
    interesante conhecer mais sobre israel o povo de israel moro no brasil mas para o amor não tem distancia e agora com a net não tem mesmo

    nos que que estamos longe de jerusalem quando ouvimos ou ver algo assim ja é uma alegria

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